How to Resolve Conflict in 10 steps

Spiritual values such as compassion, charity, tolerance, empathy, altruism in a spirit of universal brother/sisterhood are so helpful in establishing peace and harmony in relationships. However, certain modern practical methods and psychological tools can provide useful assistance in dealings with the complex situations that arise in the busy, chaotic modern world. The following is an informal piece, of unknown origin found on various web sites, that stands out for its simple, solid, common sense advice. Thanks to wittcom.com and Imran Hassan Katelo, B.A Conflict Resolution & Higher Education, University of Nairobi (2016).

1. Agree on a mutually acceptable time and place to discuss the conflict.

2. State the problem as you see it and list your concerns.

• Make “I” statements.
• Withhold judgments, accusations, and absolute statements (“always” or “never”).

3. Let the other person have his/her say.

• Do not interrupt or contradict.
• Do not allow name-calling, put-downs, threats, obscenities, yelling, or intimidating behavior.

4. Listen and ask questions.

• Ask fact-based questions (who? what? where? when? how?) to make sure you understand the situation.
• Ask exploratory questions (what if? what are you saying? is this the only solution to our problem? what if we did such and such? are there other alternatives to this situation?).
• Avoid accusatory “why” questions (why are you like that?).
• Use your own words to restate what you think the other person means and wants.
• Acknowledge the person’s feelings and perceptions.

5. Stick to one conflict at a time — to the issue at hand.

• Do not change the subject or allow it to be changed.
  “I understand your concern, but I’d like to finish what we’re talking about before we discuss it.”

6. Seek common ground.

• What do you agree on?
• What are your shared concerns?
  

7. Brainstorm solutions to the conflict that allow everyone to win.

8. Request behavior changes only.

• Don’t ask others to change their attitudes.
• Don’t ask them to “feel” differently about something.
• Don’t ask them to “be” different.
• If you want them to “stop doing” something, suggest an alternative action.

9. Agree to the best way to resolve the conflict and to a timetable for implementing it.

• Who will do what by when?

10. If the discussion breaks down, reschedule another time to meet. Consider bringing in a third party.

Theosophy, Reincarnation and Near-Death Experiences Part 2/2

Selections from The transpersonal model of death as presented in Madame Blavatsky's Theosophy by Dr Jean-Louis Siémons Pp -9-20 http://www.blavatsky.net/index.php/near-death-experiences/36-topics/reincarnation/near-death-exp/62-what-is-death

The Ego's quasi omniscience is a key to interpret the dying man's conscious experience in its higher phase.

Precisely, in the process of dying, all the necessary conditions are met for this amazing power of omniscience to be displayed in various ways.

Essentially, it is manifest in the following items:

The objective, panoramic review of life.

Now, even though this sudden reminiscence of life at the "last" moment was known in H.P. Blavatsky's time, her brief analysis of it reveals an unquestionable experimental knowledge of this strange experience. Comparisons with modern NDE accounts may be made, as follows:

"He reads his life [...] as a spectator... .

There was a certain detachment as I watched all this. I had the sensation  that I was on the outside looking in and it seemed that this reoccurence  [sic] of my life was taking place in front of me and I was viewing it.   [fn: 52 R. Noyes & R. Kletti, "Panoramic Memory  a Response to the Threat of Death".]

[...] I saw my whole past life take place in many images, as though  on a stage as some distance from me. [fn: 53 A. Heim, "Notizen  über den Tod durch Absturz".]

"[...] as a spectator looking down into the arena he is quitting".

I acted out my life, as though I were an actor on a stage upon which  I looked down from practically the highest gallery in the theatre. Both  hero and onlooker, I was as though doubled". [fn 54: Extract  from a letter of Albert Heim to Oskar Pfister (quoted by Carol Zaleski,   Otherworld Journeys, p 130]

Obviously, this historical reminiscence must be particularly rich with respect to the years of childhood since

Memory, as we all know, is strongest with regard to its early associations,  then when the future man is only a child, and more of a soul than of a  body. [fn: 55 H.P.B., "Memory in the Dying".]

Actually, those pictures of early life are often quite detailed and vivid in NDE accounts:

[...] the underside of a table seen from all fours, the smell of  a pudding, the pinch of elastic on a Halloween mask; the distance from  foot to bicycle training pedal the contents of a school gym locker - all  spill forth with every sensory detail and accompanying emotion reawakened.   [fn: 56 C. Zaleski, Otherworld Journeys, p.128.]

 To come back to our comparison:

"He sees and now understands himself as he is, unadorned by  flattery or self-deception."

It was like I got to see some good things I had done and some mistakes  I had made, you know, and try to understand them. [fn: 57   K. Ring. Life at Death, p.73.]

Some people characterize this as an educational effort on the part  of the being of light. [fn: 58 R. Moody, Life after Life,  p.65.]

The being would ask something like, [...] "What have  you done with your life to show me?" What was expected in return was   [...] a general self-scrutiny, putting one's whole life in question.   [fn 59:C. Zaleski, Otherworld Journeys, p.128.]

"But this instant is enough to show him the whole chain of causes  which have been at work during his life".

It was like: "Okay, here's why you had the accident. Here’s why this happened. Because so and so and so." ... it all had meaning.  Definitely. [fn 60: K. Ring, Life at Death, p.73.]

 The revelation of the human being's responsibility in the minutest details of his existence, recognized at his last moment, is strikingly brought to light in the following account of an experiencer, reliving her life as Phyllis:

The reliving included not only the deeds committed by Phyllis since  her birth [...] but also a reliving of every thought ever thought  and every word ever spoken PLUS the effect of every thought, word and deed  upon everyone and anyone  who had ever come within her sphere of influence, whether she actually  knew them or not PLUS the effect of her every thought, word and deed upon  the weather, the air, the soil, plants and animals, the water, everything  else within the creation we call Earth and the space Phyllis once occupied.   [...] I never before realized that we were responsible and accountable  for EVERY SINGLE THING WE DID. That was overwhelming!   [fn 62:P.M.H. Atwater, I died Three Times in 1977.   Quoted by C. Zaleski(Otherworld Journeys, p. 131)]

The experience of "total knowledge".

The theosophical model of death perfectly accounts for this extraordinary flash of enlightenment "in which the subject seemed to have complete knowledge".

In Moody's words:

Several people have told me that during their encounters with "death  they got brief glimpses of an entire separate realm of existence in which  all knowledge - whether of past, present, or future - seemed to co-exist  in a sort of timeless state. [...] The experience has been compared,  in various accounts to a flash of universal insight. [fn 65: R.  Moody, Reflections on Life after Life, pp.10-11.]

 One woman reported:

This seems to have taken place after I had seen my life pass before  me. It seemed that all of a sudden, all knowledge - of all that had started  from the very beginning, that would go on without end - that for a second  I knew all the secrets of all ages, all the meaning of the universe, the  stars, the moon - of everything. [fn 66: Ibid. p 11]

 Another informant confirmed:

[...] there followed a panoramic vision, impossible to describe,  showing everything "from the beginning of time to the end of time".   [fn 67: K. Ring, Heading toward Omega, p.199.]

 An interesting point made by one of Ring's respondents concerning this state of total knowledge was that he did not acquire it at the moment: "he remembered it [..] he was, in effect, all knowledge". [fn 6: Ibid p. 199] This really denotes a rare peak experience in which all sense of dualism seems to vanish, the personal consciousness being, for a flashing moment, in complete union with the Egoic consciousness, merged in the light of the HIGHER SELF (the One root of all conscious beings) "which alone is [permanently] and completely omniscient." [fn 69: H.P.B., The Key to Theosophy, p.132. The individual Ego is said to be potentially omniscient, and to manifest a quasi omniscience when the conditions permit; it becomes de facto omniscient, exclusively in nirvana, when merged in the Universal Soul (Key, p.133). During one lifetime, when it "meditates" its personality, from its own level (beyond space and time), it is practically omniscient as regards its own earth-related evolution.]

In the case of NDE's, however,

[...] all agree that this feeling of complete knowledge did not persist  after their return; that they did not bring back any sort of omniscience.   [fn 71: R. Moody, Reflections on Life after Life, p.10.]

 This is not surprising, because, according to Theosophy, the memory of such exceptional visions cannot be impressed upon the physical brain - except through a special training in the line of spiritual yoga.

"Supernatural rescues

 The preceding explanations are still valid in cases when people are rescued from a fatal danger by a providential help, in the form of an inner light guiding them to the only safe exit from a dark place, or of a voice calling out their name to stop them in the fog on the edge of a cliff, or commanding to move in the only possible direction of escape. [fn 74:Cf. R. Moody, Reflections on Life after Life, pp.23-28.]

In the theosophical view, these are in no way cases of supernatural interposition of God, or Christ, but (rare) examples of situations in which the Ego has the opportunity to take command over its personality in a moment of great emergency, when the latter loses all control (or even is unaware of its impending death).

Then, it happens that the human automaton executes, with an incredible precision, the only movements or gestures that could draw the man safe and sound out of the jaws of death.

The apparent choice to come back.

 Many informants have declared that they unwillingly reintegrated their bodies, so complete was the bliss they were merged in. Other ones insisted that a kind of choice was left to them, either to trespass the border of life, or to return in order to fulfill an earthly mission. They were "authorized", they felt, not to die, as a result of their will to come back.

It is easy to argue that their hour had not yet come: resuscitated beyond their control, they could later on invent moral reasons, attributing their return to a generous decision on their part. This argument, however, may not dovetail with all facts. [fn 75: There is an interesting example in R. Moody's Life after Life (pp. 101-107): during a kind of OBE, a patient was first warned of his impending death by the being of light. Accepting his fate at first, with serenity, the man became worried, the day before his appointed end in a surgical operation, because great troubles were in store for his wife, on account of an adopted nephew. He wrote some instructions to his wife and ... broke out in tears. At that moment again, the "presence" made itself felt, imprinting these thoughts in the patient's mind: "Jack, why are you crying? [...] since you are asking for someone else and thinking of others - not Jack - I will grant you, what you want. You will live until you see your nephew become a man".]

With Theosophy, one cannot overlook the possibility of a surge of will at the last moment, with the effect of displacing an equilibrium of opposite forces in the sense of restoring life, as long as there remains a chance for such a return.

After all, the panoramic vision of existence, bringing to a vivid light all the links with other people - and particularly the loved ones - may well generate in the dying person an all-powerful desire to come back to those loved ones, for a real service of them. This essentially altruistic motive, which is in perfect harmony with the higher Ego's deep nature, could be strong enough, at the critical instant, to force a resuscitation process, with the help of the Ego, at unison with its terrestrial personality's aspiration.

Postulating as it does free-will in every man, Theosophy would not refuse it a last opportunity to change the line of a destiny.

Part 1 

Jean-Louis Siémons on Theosophy, Reincarnation and Near Death Experiences (NDE) Part 1/2

Selections from The transpersonal model of death as presented in Madame Blavatsky's Theosophy by Dr Jean-Louis Siémons Pp -9-20 http://www.blavatsky.net/index.php/near-death-experiences/36-topics/reincarnation/near-death-exp/62-what-is-death

The journey to death is a mapped out itinerary.

Clearly, dying is not a haphazard adventure. This subjective journey, "through the avenue of psychic and last of all of spiritual consciousness", follows a definite programme, an itinerary ascending through a complete scale of levels of experience, that have been known and classified for a long time by certain Oriental schools to which Mme Blavatsky referred.

For instance, when the dying man feels "up there in space", out of his body, he is just setting foot, so to say, on the lower rung of "astral" consciousness. This level, Mme Blavatsky explained, "corresponds in everything to the terrestrial objective" (consciousness) - a fact duly acknowledged by NDE'ers who often reported seeing at this moment all the details of the surroundings, only from a different vantage point.

In most cases, it is from this (lower astral) level that NDE'ers leave all conscious connection with the physical environment, to enter the darkness of a kind of "tunnel" (or black space), through which they feel they are moving, more or less rapidly, to reach a world of Light.

In some cases too, experiencers have recounted a sequence of experiences, from hellish to paradisaical, (always in the same order, from bad to good): this strongly suggests that they consciously tasted something of the intermediary levels before reaching the glorious summit of the scale.] normally skip over when they ascend to the inner Light.

With Theosophy, there is good reason to believe that the personality enjoys a natural protection from its higher Alter Ego, at the moment of death.

Curiously, a similar explanation has been arrived at by various modern authors. Thus, in an interpretation of unpleasant NDE's, Kenneth Ring states:

Why is this domain so rarely reported compared to the paradisaical  realm? One proposal has it that the tunnel phenomenon serves as a shield  to protect the individual from an awareness of this domain. It will be  recalled that the tunnel effect itself was interpreted as representing  a shift in consciousness from one level to another. Functionally, this  state of affairs can be compared to a traveller riding a subway underneath  the slums of a city: the subway tunnel prevents him ever being directly  aware of his surroundings although the slums are there. Instead, like the  typical near-death survivor, he begins his trip in darkness and emerges  into the light.[fn 29: K. Ring, Life at Death,  p.249. With theosophical teachings in hand, I suggested the same kind of  explanation in Mourir pour Renaître, p.128.]

 This passage gives an excellent image of the situation, from the theosophical viewpoint.

Now, according to Mme Blavatsky, the sixth division of the astral consciousness

[...] is the plane from which come all beautiful inspirations of  art, poetry and music; high types of dreams, flashes of genius. Here we  have glimpses of past incarnations [...]. (The Secret Doctrine, Volume 3 (1897), ‘’Divisions of the astral plane’’ pp. 553-554)

 Finally, at the very top,

WE ARE ON THE SEVENTH PLANE AT THE MOMENT OF DEATH OR  IN EXCEPTIONAL VISIONS. THE DROWNING MAN IS HERE WHEN  HE REMEMBERS HIS PAST LIFE.

 In this perspective, the core experience at death cannot be attributed to an altered state of consciousness - of the delirium or hallucination-type. Unambiguously, it is a state of super-consciousness of perfect lucidity.

According to one of H.P. Blavatsky's masters:

No man dies insane or unconscious, [fn 31: This is also  the conclusion of some modern authors, like Dr E. Kübler-Ross. See  E. Kemf: E. Kübler-Ross: "There is No Death.]   as some physiologist assert. Even a madman or one in a fit of   delirium tremens will have his instant of perfect lucidity at the  moment of death, though unable to say so to those present. [fn 32:  Extract from a master's letter to A.P. Sinnett, dated Oct. 1882, Mahatma  Letters, p.170.]

 Thus, even if a man, in his last agony, is caught up in the horrible nightmares of the intermediary levels, his personal consciousness ultimately finds access to the complete bliss of the upper stage - "the last ecstasis of death".

The last moment is lived in a communion between the personal and the transpersonal.

In the XIXth century, Theosophy emphasized the importance of the panoramic review of life, as a central feature in the process of dying. The following passages insist on the fully detailed, all-comprehensive and extremely rapid character of the vision (in accordance, with many modern NDE accounts):

At the solemn moment of death every man, even when death is sudden,  sees the whole of his past life marshalled before him, in its minutest  details [fn 35: H.P.B., The Key to Theosophy, p.162.]

 In brief,

A long life, perhaps, lived over again in the space of one short  second! [fn 36: H.P.B., "Memory in the Dying".]

 This review, in perfect lucidity, takes place (as seen before) when the personal consciousness has reached the highest level open to it on the ascending scale. Then, at that level,

For one short instant the personal becomes one with the individual  and all-knowing Ego[fn 37: H.P.B., The Key, p.162.]

"Entering the Light", or "encountering the being of light" - an imaged interpretation by the personal self of its re-union with its deep-rooted source of self-consciousness.

No wonder that NDE'ers should feel unable to describe their experience in usual terms of daily life language.

In Moody's words,

It has a very definite personality. The love and the warmth which  emanate from this being to the dying person are utterly beyond words, and  he feels completely surrounded by it and taken up in it, completely at  ease and accepted in the presence of this being. He senses an irresistible magnetic attraction to this light. He is  ineluctably drawn to it [fn 43:R. Moody, Life after  Life, p.59.]

 Quite often, in their efforts of description, experiencers use different labels to identify this "presence - God, Christ, Angel, Guide, or what not. Obviously, in their complete ignorance of deep (spiritual) psychology, they could hardly find better terms to translate, in an intelligible mode, this unexpected encounter with their own individual Ego-Self, which seems to "know all about them", to bear them "a total love and acceptance" and to have with them a kind of intimate, "personal" exchange. For very good reasons indeed - in the light of Theosophy - if we remember that this Ego is not a stranger to its terrestrial personality, but remains closely "interested" in its destiny: from birth to death, the transpersonal individuality broods over (or "meditates") its earthly representative (or emanation), registering the latter's behaviour and inspiring it with its own knowledge and energy, through the unspoken language of intuition, dreams, etc.

Interestingly, this theosophical interpretation finds definite echoes in near-death literature. Thus, with Kenneth Ring, we have these pertinent remarks:

Moody spoke of a "being of light" and though none of our  respondents used this phrase some seemed to be aware of a "presence"  (or "voice") in association with the light[...]. Here  we must, I think, make a speculative leap. I submit that this presence  voice is actually - oneself! It is not merely a projection of one's personality,  however, but one's total self; or what in some traditions is called the  higher self. In this view, the individual personality is but a split-off  fragment of the total self with which it is reunited at the point of death.  During ordinary life, the individual personality functions in a seemingly  autonomous way, as though it were a separate entity. In fact, however,  it is invisibly tied to the larger self structure of which it is apart".   [fn 44:K. Ring. Life at Death, p.240.]

Equally relevant is the following speculation preferred by Kenneth Ring:

What has this to do with the light? The answer is - or so I would  say - that this higher self is so awesome, so overwhelming, so loving,  and unconditionally accepting (like an all-forgiving mother) and so foreign  to one's individualized consciousness that one perceives it as separate  from oneself as unmistakably other. It manifests itself as a brilliant  golden light, but it is actually oneself, in a higher form, that one is  seeing". [fn 46:Ibid. p 240]

To conclude, again in Ring's words - perfectly in line with Theosophy:

The golden light is actually a reflection of one's own inherent divine  nature and symbolizes the higher self. [fn: 47 Ibid.  pp.240-241. In this passage, the term reflection is quite correct.  At this stage, this golden light perceived by the dying man is only a very  limited effect, on the psychic sphere, of the glorious radiance of the  divine universal SELF hidden in the hearts of all  creatures, according to the Upanishads.]

 The fact that some persons believe that they had "a conversation with God" makes no difference in this context:

Since most people are used to thinking dualistically of God as somehow  "up there" while they remain "down here" they can be  expected to interpret their experience with their higher self as a direct  encounter with God. The idea of "God" is after all; more familiar  to most people than is the notion of a higher self. [fn: 48  Ibid. p. 241.]

Part 2 

Hierocles the Stoic's Concentric Circles of Cosmopolitanism

Hierocles (fl. 2nd century) was a Stoic philosopher (not be be confused with the Alexandrian Neoplatonist). Very little is known about his life. Aulus Gellius mentions him as one of his contemporaries, and describes him as a "grave and holy man." His most famous fragment describes Stoic cosmopolitanism through the use of concentric circles. Hierocles describes individuals as consisting of a series of circles: the first circle is the human mind, next comes the immediate family, followed by the extended family, and then the local community. Next comes the community of neighbouring towns, followed by your country, and finally the entire human race. Our task, according to Hierocles was to draw the circles in towards the centre, transferring people to the inner circles, making all human beings part of our concern. 

On this notion, see also a passage from Plato, letter 9:

It is indeed one of the sweetest things in life to follow one's own interests, especially when they are such as you have chosen; practically everyone would agree. But this also you must bear in mind, that none of us is born for himself alone; a part of our existence belongs to our country, a part to our parents, a part to our other friends, and a large part is given to the circumstances that command our lives. When our country calls us to public service it would, I think, be unnatural to refuse; especially since this means giving place to unworthy men, who enter public life for motives other than the best (Cooper, John M.; Hutchinson, D.S. (1997). Plato: Complete Works. Indianapolis: Hackett. p. 1671-1672)

How we ought to conduct ourselves towards our kindred

THE consideration of the duties pertaining to [our other] kindred is consequent to the discussion of those that pertain to parents, brothers, wives, and children; for the same things may, in a certain respect, be said of the former as of the latter; and on this account may be concisely explained. For, in short, each of us is, as it were, circumscribed by many circles; some of which are less, but others larger, and some comprehend, but others are comprehended, according to the different and unequal habitudes with respect to each other. For the first, indeed, and most proximate circle is that which every one describes about his own mind as a centre, in which circle the body, and whatever is assumed for the sake of the body, are comprehended. For this is nearly the smallest circle, and almost touches the centre itself. The second from this, and which is at a greater distance from the centre, but comprehends the first circle, is that in which parents, brothers, wife, and children are arranged. The third circle from the centre is that which contains uncles and aunts, grandfathers and grandmothers, and the children of brothers and sisters. After this is the circle which comprehends the remaining relatives. Next to this is that which contains the common people, then that which comprehends those of the same tribe, afterwards that which contains the citizens; and then two other circles follow, one being the circle of those that dwell in the vicinity of the city, and the other, of those of the same province. But the outermost and greatest circle, and which comprehends all the other circles, is that of the whole human race.^[1]

These things being thus considered, it is the province of him who strives to conduct himself properly in each of these connections to collect, in a certain respect, the circles, as it were, to one centre, and always to endeavour earnestly to transfer himself from the comprehending circles to the several particulars which they comprehend. It pertains, therefore, to the man who is a lover of kindred [to conduct himself in a becoming manner] towards his parents and brothers; also, according to the same analogy, towards the more elderly of his relatives of both sexes, such as grandfathers) uncles and aunts; towards those of the same age with himself, as his cousins; and towards his juniors, as the children of his cousins. Hence we have summarily shown how we ought to conduct ourselves towards our kindred, having before taught how we should act towards ourselves, our parents, and brothers; and besides these, towards our wife and children. To which it must be added, that those who belong to the third circle must be honoured similarly to these; and again, kindred similarly to those that belong to the third circle. For something of benevolence must be taken away from those who are more distant from us by blood; though at the same time we should endeavour that an assimilation may take place between us and them. For this distance will become moderate, if, through the diligent attention which we pay to them, we cut off the length of the habitude towards each individual of these. We have unfolded, therefore, that which is most comprehensive and important in the duties pertaining to kindred. 

It is requisite, likewise, to add a proper measure conformably to the general use of appellations, calling indeed cousins, uncles and aunts, by the name of brothers, fathers and mothers; but of other kindred, to denominate some uncles, others the children of brothers or sisters, and others cousins, according to the difference of age, for the sake of the abundant extension which there is in names. For this mode of appellation will be no obscure indication of our sedulous attention to each of these relatives; and at the same time will incite, and extend us in a greater degree, to the contraction as it were of the above mentioned circles. But as we have proceeded thus far in our discussion, it will not be unseasonable to recall to our memory the distinction with respect to parents, which we before made. For in that place in which we compared mother with father, we said that it was requisite to attribute more of love to a mother, and more of honour to a father; and conformably to this, we shall here add, that it is fit to have more love for those who are connected with us by a maternal alliance, but to pay more honour to those who are related to us by a paternal affinity (Stobaeus, Florilegium, 4.671 ff.)

^[1] This admirable passage is so conformable to the following beautiful lines in Pope's Essay on Man, that it is most probably the source from whence they were derived. The lines are these:

"Self love but serves the virtuous mind to wake,
As the small pebble stirs the peaceful lake,
The centre moved, a circle straight succeeds,
Another still, and still another spreads,
Friend, parent, neighbour first it will embrace,
His country next, and next all human race;
Wide and more wide the' o'erflowings of the mind,
Take every creature in of every kind."